


Give Me Your Cold Hands

by sableu



Category: One Piece
Genre: Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 22:43:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3398939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sableu/pseuds/sableu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sabo decides to travel with the Strawhats for a few weeks after things settle down in Dressrosa, but it’s not as happy of an occasion as it may sound.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give Me Your Cold Hands

He hadn’t expected this.

He’d thought that he could handle it.

After Doflamingo had been taken down and the chaos inDressrosa had settled to a more manageable level, he’d been able to find Luffy again beside the Strawhats’ ship. He’d planned on saying goodbye then and leaving with Hack and Koala to return to their mission- but Luffy had asked him to stay.

_What? No, Sabo, don’t leave! I hardly got to see you at all! Can’t you travel with us for a little while?_

He should’ve said no. It was his responsibility as second in command of the Revolutionary Army to say no. But instead he’d turned around and looked at Koala and Hack.

_If it’s just for a little while, then…You should go, Sabo-kun._

They knew he had responsibilities, but they also understood how important his little brother was to him. They probably thought traveling with Luffy would be a good aid to his mental state, which had been noticeably botched for two years now. They thought it would help, so they said yes.

He was starting to wish they’d said no.

Every time he looked at Luffy- and now that they were sailing together, that was often- his head was plunged into turmoil. He was happy to see Luffy, of course he was. He loved Luffy more than anything else. But it hurt. Every time he saw Luffy’s face, saw that scar on Luffy’s chest…he was reminded of what a terrible person he was. Of all the things he’d been unable to do.

Every time he looked at Luffy he felt guilt. Heart-wrenching, terrible guilt. Guilt that made him wish he hadn’t eaten the Mera Mera no Mi, because suddenly the ocean didn’t comfort him anymore. Suddenly now that he knew he’d drown if he did, he wanted to jump in.

He was pretty good at faking smiles. He liked to think that unless he let them, no one could tell when he was unhappy.

He could fake a smile around Luffy. It wasn’t even that hard, since he did love Luffy. It was easy to smile around people you loved, even if you were all torn up.

“Are you all right?”

The voice took him by surprise. He looked around. “Robin…”

She was standing nearby in a nightgown, holding a cup of coffee. She handed it to him. “What’s wrong?”

He turned back to the ocean, which he’d been standing and contemplating for a while now, letting the mug warm his cold hands. “What makes you think something’s wrong?”

“I don’t know many perfectly content people who’d be up at this hour doing nothing but staring over the waves,” Robin said. “…You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

He didn’t look at her. “I don’t want to.”

“Fair enough.”

He heard her start to walk away, and knew he couldn’t leave it at that. “Thanks, Robin.”

She glanced back at him.

“…For the coffee.”

She smiled. “No problem.”

He needed to go to sleep. He needed, at the very least, to stop looking at the goddamn ocean. It had always been inviting, ever since he was a little kid. The sea was full of adventure- fish and plants and shiny shells. He’d never been able to resist jumping right in, and that had never been a problem. He’d wanted to jump in the ocean, so he had.

Now the desire was much more complicated.

He drank Robin’s coffee and then went inside. His hammock was right under Luffy’s. He took a moment to look at Luffy’s sleeping form, draped sporadically in a position that looked uncomfortable, though it didn’t seem to bother him. The usual deluge of mixed hurt and affection descended down upon Sabo. From this angle, Luffy looked a little like a younger Ace.

Sabo couldn’t afford to think about Ace. Not while the sound of the ocean still roared, only slightly muffled, all around him; an open invitation that said, _“You want to escape that guilt? Here’s how.”_

He wasn’t strong enough yet to reply _never_ , so instead he thought _not today_. Not _yet._ And he climbed into bed and closed his eyes, determined to sleep.

“Ace…”

Someone else, apparently, was now thinking about Ace in his stead. Sabo stared at the wooden hammock above him. Luffy. He must have been dreaming. Sabo didn’t feel like hearing it, didn’t want to, didn’t think he could bear it. He rolled over and pulled his body tight, pressing his pillow against his ears.

“Ace, don’t leave me…”

Luffy seemed fine during the day; from what Sabo had seen he was never stuck on Ace’s death when the sun was up. But the dark of nighttime and the realm of dreams brought things to the surface that usually could be held beneath it, Sabo knew that all too well. Was this every night? Was Luffy trapped in nightmares about Ace every night, or just every now and then, just tonight? Sabo had the nightmares, too, almost every time he slept, but he reckoned they had to be worse for Luffy. Luffy had been there, had felt Ace’s blood on his hands, had seen the light leave Ace’s eyes…

It was too much to bear.

_You had to be there. You had to witness that. And where was I? Where the fuck was I?_

Sabo felt sick to his stomach. All those reasons, all those things Koala and Hack reminded him of when he was at his worst, that he couldn’t have gotten there even if he had known, that he couldn’t have changed things even if he had gotten there…Those reasons were growing more and more transparent. They mattered less and less. Especially the one that claimed he couldn’t have changed things even if he’d been there, because he was starting not to care that nothing would have changed, starting to wish he’d still been there anyway just so he could’ve died alongside Ace…just so he didn’t have to feel this….

He could feel cold sweat on his skin now, and it was getting harder to breathe. He swung himself out of the hammock and walked outside to the deck. He leaned on the side of the ship again, trying to catch his breath. His vision was swimming. There was no way he could sleep like this, so maybe he just wouldn’t sleep. But he needed to sleep- he needed rest, time away from this constant barrage of sickening guilt.

This time there was no Robin to kindly offer him coffee. There was no Koala or Hack, reassuring him that Ace’s death wasn’t his fault. There was no Dragon-san, reminding him that he had a job to do and people he was responsible for.

It was just him and the deep blue sea, and that was a very bad combination.

The sea didn’t care that he couldn’t have gotten to Marineford even if he’d had the chance to try. The sea didn’t give a shit about his responsibilities. It’d drain him of his energy and kill him either way, and that should’ve been a scary idea, but instead it was comforting. The sea didn’t care how much he did or didn’t hate himself, or whether or not he deserved it.

For the first time in the two years since Ace’s death, he thought the phrase he’d actually been thinking the entire time, just not in so few or such simple words.

_I want to die._

Or maybe, more accurately, _I want to pay for it._

“Sabo? What are you doing?”

What was he doing? Since when had he been standing, rocking, on the railing of the ship?

His foothold wasn’t even very good. A strong gust would blow him away. Whose voice was that, that had just called out to him? It should have been so familiar, but for some reason it sounded alien to him now.

He turned his head. Oh, that’s right. It was Luffy. Luffy, his baby brother, staring at him with very wide, very confused eyes. It’d only take one step backwards and he’d be with him again, standing safely on the deck of the ship. It’d only take one step forward, and…

“You weren’t thinking of swimming, were you?” Luffy’s laugh cut through the air like the flare of a flame in the darkness. It was incredibly warm. “You’re so stupid, Sabo! You have Ace’s devil fruit now, remember? You can’t swim! You’d drown!”

Sabo’s breath had caught in his throat. He couldn’t speak. Luffy’s voice sounded exactly the same as it had sounded twelve years ago. Every part of his body ached.

Luffy had stopped laughing. “Sabo?”

He had to get ahold of himself. Through his muddled head, a stronger, clearer thought appeared- that he could not commit suicide in front of his baby brother. That his baby brother could not see him die. He stepped backwards, landing lightly on the deck, and turned around.

He hated the way Luffy was looking at him, so wide-eyed, mouth slightly open.

_He liked to think that unless he let them, no one could tell when he was unhappy._

But Luffy had always been a pretty perceptive guy.

“Sabo…you…”

There were no words left inside of Sabo to confirm or deny anything. Instead he hung his head, because he couldn’t even look Luffy in the eye. Of course he couldn’t. How could he ever look Luffy in the eye again after what he’d done, after what he hadn’t done?

However, when he inevitably did look up again, Luffy was shaking. His face was twisted in an expression somewhere between confusion and horror.

_Oh look, I’ve hurt you again. I keep doing that._

“Why?” Luffy asked, and his voice was terrifyingly meek, Sabo wished he’d yell, Sabo wished he’d finally get around to punching him in the face. “Why would you…?”

The question trailed off there, hanging horribly in the open air. Suddenly Sabo’s knees gave out, and he sank to the ground. He wasn’t a big crier, but the current situation warranted at least a little crying, and he found that once the tears started to fall it was hard to stop them.

“I’m sorry,” he said. For which transgression he wasn’t sure.

“After everything, after all that’s h-happened- how the hell could you throw your life away!?” Luffy was yelling now, that was good, but Sabo could hear tears in his voice and he didn’t dare look up to confirm them. “How could do that to me?”

“You’d be better off.”

“How could you say that?!” Luffy yelled. His voice was shaking with rage.

“Don’t you _get it_?” Sabo spat, eyes still fixed on the ground. “I should’ve _been there_. I wasn’t. Ace is fucking dead. It’s all my…it’s… _What kind of brother am I?_ What kind of brother am I that I could let that happen!?”

Suddenly he felt arms around him. Luffy wasn’t punching him. No, he was doing the exact, horrible, opposite. He was _hugging_ him. That wasn’t right. He was hugging him tightly, and all Sabo could do was sob, unable to get a single word out any more; the pain was ineffable.

“I thought so too,” Luffy said, so, so quietly. “For the longest time I thought it was my fault, but…”

He touched Sabo’s hair, running his hands over it as one would pet a skittish cat, an action of gentle comfort Sabo never would have expected of him.

Sabo had gathered a fistful of Luffy's shirt and was clenching it tightly. He was trying to hold on to something. Anything. Trying to tether himself down.

“It’s not my fault. It’s definitely not your fault. Sabo…I just got you back…I-I don’t want you to go…”

Sabo pressed his face against the nape of Luffy’s neck, sobbing harder. He was shaking like it was freezing outside, such a display of weakness he had never shown in front of anyone else, ever. This wasn’t right. This was his baby brother. Sabo was supposed to the comforter, not Luffy. It was all mixed up, he’d fucked it all up. And he couldn’t stop _fucking crying._

“Promise me you’ll never leave,” Luffy said. “Promise me you won’t leave me alone, Sabo!”

An hour passed. Sabo stayed silent in Luffy’s arms, his sobs and shaking slowly subsiding. Luffy was the stillest Sabo’d ever seen him, even stiller than he usually was while sleeping. Sabo could feel his heart, every beat pounding lightly, a constant reminder of how alive they both were. How they were both still here and their hearts still working hard, even though Ace’s had stopped.

Another hour passed. The sun was starting to appear on the horizon.

“I promise.”

Sabo said it so quietly that Luffy barely registered that he’d made a noise at all. “What?”

“I promise I won’t leave you alone.”

Luffy smiled. His smile was painfully bright. “Good.”

Sabo smiled too. He couldn’t help it. He still felt like he was about to retch from the pain of it all, still felt like a guilty man on death row who had just been unjustly pardoned, but he was smiling.

And he was alive.


End file.
